This past couple of days have been difficult for me. So much shit has been happening. Its really hard.
Gradnite was like the “moment”. Honestly. I did try to make the best of it. But even though you try to make the best of it, it never goes EXACTLY how you want it to go. and thats exactly what happened. one, for the most part, i got cockblocked like the whole night. i hated that shit. But it’s fine. You wanted to be with your friends. And i respect that.
I told someone that I am concluding that I will finally move on and let go. Completely. I think im gonna take that back, i said that because i was just like shocked and like overwhelmed with what happened. i overreacted. really.
But you have taught me so much. Not just in like the ways of life. But how things go about. I finally understand that you’re hard to get because you yourself, someone like you is hard to find. You have taught me to be stronger when i see things i dont like especially when it involves you . i hate it when you’re with other guys. really. i dont know if i should feel jealous, mad or both. at most times its both. even though you’re not mine, i want you to be mine. like bad. but i know that at this point time, thats not gonna happen. i know that for a fact.
this is tough. very. i am getting challenged in many different ways every day. after this, if things dont go the way i want it to, i know for a fact that it’ll be hard for me to commit to someone again. mainly because im scared to give everything my all and have it end up going no where again. just so many factors. so many questions. few answers.
“I dont know why bad things happen to us sometimes but I have to believe something good is going to come out of this.”
After today’s alumni game, i had a little chat with a good friend of mine from UCLA. We talked about my future plans after graduating high school. It was fun i enjoyed it. Shared life stories. He told me how awesome, different, and hard college is. How everything you did in high school, it wont matter in college because everything is just different.
Then we came about college and the ladies they have. If you think about it, whether youre dating someone right now, you know that you’re excited to meet college ladies because you know they’re the finest and the brightest. the ones who plans big things for their future. Those are the types that you want.
I was told that whoever you are dating right now or if you like someone right now, you’ll soon question yourself on why you dated that person or why you like that person. Pretty much plenty of things. I didn’t like hearing that really. Because after putting in my time and effort. Devoting myself to you, i didnt wanna accept the fact that what he was saying was in fact true. But with you, i know that you can prove that hypothesis wrong. I asked if you were an exception, he told me “to be honest, thats up to you. dont hang on to her for too long and lose your chances.” i understood every bit of what he said. and its true. even though you’re not in college yet, your mindset and attitude are college like. and i admire that. and love that. like, youre so perfect. i cant help but think that. one day i hope that you will be that college girl i will be dating and hopefully end up marrying.
As graduation comes closer and closer, I was brought to the attention of “what will i give you as a graduation gift?” I never thought of this until today. I thank a good friend of mine for telling me about it.
I ask myself “we’re not even dating or whatever, why am i putting the effort and time to do such thing”. In my mind, this is the only way its possible for her to remember me. Not forever but long enough till she gets through college. Sad to say but probably my last stand of getting at you. After that, its something or nothing. And im ready for nothing. From day one, i knew that i have a great chance of getting this whole thing to no where. I’m willing to accept that. The rejection. As much as it hurts hearing the word “no”, i should and will keep my head up because i know for a fact i gave you the treatment you deserve. i gave it my all. we all want things in life, but we dont always get it. and its true. for a fact that lifes just not fair. just gotta live with it and make the best out of everyday.
I hope you will like my graduation gift to you. This gift in my opinion is the best way for you to remember me. I expect nothing in return. After all, we’re just FRIENDS.
Here I am waiting
I’ll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come
We knew it all along
How did it come so fast?
Whenever I tell people how I truly feel about you, they always say the same thing. At one point in time, I got hella annoyed because they all said the same thing. They tell me that my feelings towards you are really deep. And that no one should feel like that unless you love that person. I don’t consider this feeling of mine towards you love. Or in my opinion. They say it is.
But what is love?
Love means many different things. And at this point, i dont consider i love you. Despite the fact that I like you so goddamn much, i just dont see the “love” there. For me, i cant love you till you become mine. Thats a big IF.I still will take my chances. I wanna be able to remember this time. The time where i fully committed myself to you. Not my priorities but set my eyes and intentions towards a woman who will fulfill my happiness. The missing spaces. I’m not prioritizing you. And thats how it should be.
It’ll be interesting these last couple of months of high school. Precious times. I needa do something about this now or regret it later because i didnt that chance. Its really just hard for me to decide. Life will be interesting. What does it have in store for us? Lets live it day by day and make the best out of it.
I like you. A lot. I’m so freaking attracted to you. Holy crap. Especially when we had that talk last night. The fact that you care about me a lot. Or to a degree that i didnt even knew. I didnt know you cared about me that much. I will become that guy who’ll be truthful and honest to you at everything. I can’t stand not talking to you. It kills everytime i had to let you go because you had things to do. I will do my best to be completely honest with you. Thats how things are suppose to be right? I promise to you that i will NEVER EVER EVERhurt you on purpose. Or upset you. Or anything that will make you frown. I will be the best for you.